The Living Christmas Tree!

Did I mention that I have had it with my Christmas tree? Well, I have! I hate that THING! I've had it for years, given it more or less TLC (not including stuffing it in a box, taping the box shut, and putting it on the highest shelf in the garage once a year for a year), yet it gives ME no respect! Damn thing anyway! Artificial, pre-lit Christmas trees are supposed to be easier to deal with than real trees, right? Wrong. Did I mention I hate that thing? First mistake -- loaning it out for our ward Christmas party. They just had to have lots of trees with white lights for the over-the-top decorations. So I hauled it to my neighbor Julie's house, left it in her garage, and like magic, there it was standing in the Cultural Hall -- the only UNLIT tree among the dozens in the fake forest, when I got there for the party! "Is that your tree,"someone asked? "Yes, why," said I. "I messed around with it all day and couldn't get it to light," said the same someone. "Well, you just don't know how to talk to it," I said as I walked over and noticed that none of the multiple plugs connecting the lights on the tree sections to each other were plugged in. Only the most bottomest one that was plugged into the wall socket was plugged in. I plugged 'em all into each other. Voila! Let there be light!!! DUH! I did notice during the course of the party, however, that at least one strand of lights wasn't working. After the party, I noticed that whoever brought the tree over was not taking it down to take it back to my house. I also noticed that the trees infamous box was missing. I also noticed my husband and son walking out the door. "Hey, wait a minute," I said -- "could you throw the Christmas tree in the back of the truck?" "That our tree? I'm beat. Let whoever brought it over here take it back! I'm goin'," he said. "Okay, fine," I said! I stormed around the church looking for the box. Couldn't find it. I stormed over to the tree, unplugged all the plugs, broke the tree down into its three sections, dragged them out to my brand new drop-dead-red car, and crammed them in the back seat and trunk. I steamed back into the church. The infamous box stood innocently in the middle of the hall. I tipped it over and started to drag it out. "That your box," asked a syrupy sweet voice? "Nah -- I just like boxes so I'm takin' this one," I said as I yanked it around corners through the kitchen and out the door. I stuffed the box in the back seat on top of the tree parts, climbed in behind the wheel, started 'er up and floored it!

That was three weeks ago. I drove around town with beloved Christmas tree and infamous box in back of brand new drop-dead-red car until 4 days ago when I gave up and finally dragged it (the tree, not the car) in the house. "That our tree," asked my husband? "Where's it been?" "You don't wanna know," I said as I dragged it up to the living room. That's when the real fun started! I put the three tree sections on their sides and began disentangling the bent up branches and sorting out the various cords, plugs, and lights. I found one burned out light set and a couple of broken bulbs on another set. I decided to remove the burned out light set and put a new one on. Simple, right? Wrong oh, Mary Lou! I found that the light set in question wound over, around, and through an entire section of the tree. I found there was a broken wire -- which would explain the burned out lights. I found that each light was attached to its branch with a little, teeny, tiny green plastic clip. I found that each tiny green plastic clip was incredibly strong for something so small. I found that the actual branches are made of wire with the fake needles woven over, around, and through them. I soon found that I had scratches from my fingertips to my elbows on both arms! YIKES! Oh, and did I mention the itching? I then found some Benedryl, took it, and went to bed! Long story short. Of course not! It took one night to get the tree in the house and take off one light set. It took another night for me to sit in my chair and ponder the tree. It took last night and tonight for me to get the new lights on and the tree put together and upright! WOW! What did I learn? 1)Putting the lights back on is infinitely worse than taking them off! 2) I'll never let anyone borrow my Christmas tree again! and C) I'm never taking the Christmas tree down ever again! I pledge to let it live! I will never put it in the box on the top shelf of the garage ever again! It will be The Living Christmas Tree!

Now, that's pretty silly!